Skatedino

2012-01-28T21:45:00.001-08:00

Dude, I miss you and hope you're ok.

2011-11-19T23:37:00.000-08:00

Just keep not answering your phone, baby. Each day it gets easier and easier to forget you.

2011-11-12T11:59:00.001-08:00

Woke up today, fuckin' conquered Mt. Woodson, and all I can think about is kissing you all over. Get over here already!

2011-11-06T02:12:00.001-08:00

Tonight I feel in love with you. Tonight I want bury my head in the sand.

2011-11-05T01:06:00.001-07:00

I’m frightened to even attempt to touch those memories… The ones where I sat around after getting off of work getting progressively drunker and drunker until I’d eventually pass out or ride my bike to Del Taco. No future plans whatsoever, just a focusing on getting more and more wasted; slowly turning into this fatter version of myself.

Spending time out here reflecting on those actions from a far less substance induced perspective has almost made me side with you in your decision to have done what you did!

Ok. All self-reflection aside, I’m a fucking idiot. And I got the memo way too late. Now I’m grabbing for fucking straws when I had what I wanted all along. I swear I was dropped on my head.
It’s winter.

2011-10-30T22:06:00.000-07:00

Standing outside tonight smoking a cigarette I hear shouting making its way down the street. All that's emphasised is, "FUCKING GARBAGE. FUCK... SHIT..." I walk closer to the sidewalk to get a better idea of what's happening. I then realize, as the anger comes closer, is that it's a couple and the male is laying into his partner. Just letting loose. She has a solemn look in her eyes, but is still clutching his hand as they slowly walk passed me. I stare directly into his eyes and walk too close for comfort. He stops. Then as he passes I hear his tone gradually pick back up into his same loud tyrant. Off into the fog of Point Loma. Parting the grey curtain and being reclaimed by the city.

I saw myself.

2011-10-29T00:22:00.000-07:00

It was beautiful pulling into San Diego. The fog was creeping all around the peninsula, glossing over my open eyes, giving the world a blurred effect. Far from the dry, dead feeling of the previous two weeks.

My sister's cat Nova is circling me right now, only stopping to kiss my leg. She gets like this late at night. The majority of the day she can't be bothered, but come one am she's out of her shell and ready to talk.

I couldn't help rereading my text messages and feeling a strong sense of my own pathetic self shining through. All the grasps at attention and the pleading for a response. I can't remember ever being like this, so the new discovery hit pretty hard.

I think a lot of it is my own internalization of coping with this new loneliness. I've noticed my dreams have been turning on me. Fabricating tales of the absolute worst case scenario and subtly convincing my consciousness to believe my lying subconscious. Leaving me utterly HOPELESS every morning. A complete ego loss. Left trying to piece this invisible multi-picture puzzle of my own convoluted delusions.

Or not.

In a total twist of fate, I rediscovered music from when I felt the most open to my emotions and willing to fall in love with any idea. I still think that sixteen year old me was light years ahead of what I've become. And, fuck. What I've become. I'm really ashamed of that.

Some people move slower than others, I guess.
Thanks for writing in the margins.
It's cold out. I can feel it forcing itself into the window. I'm throwing on an extra layer and Nova's still circling.

2011-10-23T01:29:00.000-07:00

Being in the desert only reaffirmed what I had already been feeling. Picking up the same conversation that I had left months earlier. Oh well. It's getting cold and grey here. Every morning the house is consumed by fog.

2011-09-24T23:39:00.000-07:00

"OK, I need you lie perfectly still while we do this. Do you know where you're at?"

I wake up naked and I can hear the loud whirring of a machine overhead. My vision is blurry and stained red. I'm facing the ceiling, and I realize that I'm tied to a moving platform.

"We're taking some scans of your brain. We think you might have suffered severe head trauma."

The magnitude of this statement doesn't really hit.

Little dream like visions start popping into my head.

I was riding home from a show in Linda Vista...

Then my mind flashes to lying in the street surrounded by people. My memory colored with the primary colors of the emergency lights. Lifted up into the back of an ambulance and then whirring off to a destination unknown. I'm trying to stand up and rip off my straps saying, "I don't need this! I'm fine! I don't have fucking health insurance!"

Black.

"Ok. Do you remember why you're here at all?"
"No. I think I crashed my bike."
"Yes, that's correct."
"Why am I here?"

("He has no short term memory. Looks like severe trauma to the head. He might have severed his spinal column."?

"What! Severed my spinal column!? WHERE AM I!?"

Tears start to well up and I flash back again.

I'm being pushed into the emergency room. That familiar shot of wheeling through the double doors looking up at unfamiliar faces with concern in their eyes. I'm naked on a gurney and I shout, "I have to throw up!"

I lean my head over, vomit into a plastic bowl, I'm dizzier than I've ever been. They force my head back down and strap it to the table. I hear on of the doctors murmur, "Make sure he can't move his head like that. I don't know what's going on with his spine." I black out again.

"OK. All done. You're doing great."

I finally wake up after all is calm in intensive care. A doctor is trying to explain to me the severity of the situation to deaf ears. I can hear what she's saying, but my mind wont comprehend anything...

2011-09-20T07:40:00.000-07:00

I accidentally destroyed my face because I must be mildly retarded. Sitting in the ER unable to move due to a potential fracture of my spine, things started to become a little clearer.

This whole thing is pretty fragile...
And the whole time I kept wishing you were there.
xxoo

Chloe DuBeau

2011-09-16T12:25:00.000-07:00

I love you so much.

2011-09-13T08:56:00.001-07:00

I woke up fucking furious today after an entire night of dreaming about you.

I have no idea what's happening in this video.

2011-09-05T06:57:00.001-07:00

Fucking baaad start to the day.

2011-09-05T04:52:00.001-07:00

Four am and my brain's a whirlwind of negative thinking. Sobriety has afforded me a lot more time to dream. Every night is a little bit more of the subconcious I was trying to drown rising to the surface and draining out. Even after waking life still feels cloudy and out of place.

I try to picture the insane lifestlye you're living, and like two dolphins that always swam together, use some internal sonar to pin point where you are at this moment.

I've been feeling pretty empty lately. Whereas my focus was so strong on hate, resentment and spending the money I didn't have on the drink... I've now made the transition to cooking and working out. Too much time to think and skew the reality that I thought I was living in.

Picturing a life without you is damn near impossible. I know it's coming. I just keep telling myself it isn't. Postponing the healing.

Roid Rage

2011-08-31T14:04:00.001-07:00

Today I'd give anything to forget. The gym's helping immensely. Pushing myself harder and harder until all thought processes shut down.

2011-08-31T02:21:00.000-07:00

Nights like this it's impossible to get to sleep. I've betrayed and been betrayed by almost everyone I love. I can't pin the exact moment when this all started.

5am

2011-08-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

You have absolutely no idea how awful you can make me feel.

2011-08-18T15:09:00.001-07:00

Day three of the raw vegan week. Or two? Woke up feeling amazing. Naturally alert and happy without my obligatory cup of coffee. I've been relying mostly on smoothies, but tonight I'm going to venture into some more complex raw recipes. I'm thinking raw tacos! Ooooh jeaauhh.

San Diego is still amazing. I think I might have found a job at Henry's in Point Loma. Not my ideal job, but being able to take care of my finances and getting settled in somewhere is keeping me motivated. I'm also really excited at the prospect of Chlo moving out here. It's been rough living without my best bro. Now to convince Carlos...

I'm happy that I FINALLY escaped that desert. Certain people really creep me out. It's almost funny, but more sadly disturbing. Whoa...

Dealing with idiots,

2011-08-15T08:32:00.000-07:00

I went to bed irritated last night and got horrible sleep. I'm surprised at the fact that I can still be affected by petty opinions from the peanut gallery while two and a half hours away. The horrible thing, really, is that it's from the most manipulative ... well one of the most manipulative people I've met. The one person with the most contrived and overly narcissistic opinions. Who's reduced two of my closest friends to shells of their former self. Getting her way and STILL complaining about it.

I still remember all the whining you did at Carlos'. Right before his mom would cook you a meal or do your laundry. Oh, and did you get a job yet, or are you still entertaining the idea that you'll never have to work because, "Y'know, like, jobs are like, y'know, for suckers. Why, like, would I want to, like, y'know, join that machine, like?" I still really miss who Ian used to be. I know I'm not the only one. Bitch.

ANYWAY

San Diego's amazing! Woke up this morning to a misty grey sky and the faint smell of rain. The more I'm here, the more I'm getting used to and appreciating what this town has to offer.

Saw the local band the Creepy Creeps, (surfy, psychobilly,) and totally lost it. Amazing night. The bar is about the size of a living room and I'm pretty sure they were over max capacity. Sweat was pouring everywhere. There was a mist from the body heat. The only relief was someone spilling their beer onto your shirt. Beautiful night.

2011-08-14T21:34:00.000-07:00

1.
She found herself consistently obsessed with other people's lives and motives to try an disguise the ugliness she really felt within herself. Pretending to be interested in things and ideas to motivate boys to sleep with her.

She wrote long winded blog posts under the guise of trying to rationalize other people's actions in a whirlwind of self righteousness, only without realizing that the majority of the paragraphs were merely miniature autobiographies. It was obvious that her boyfriends gave her too much attention considering the way she would gravitate, and eventually sleep with, other boys within their own social circles. She had an air of insecurity about her that would shine through in the form of forcing attention onto people who wanted to be left alone. Resorting to violence if her plans didn't come to fruition.

After her own behavior was mildly used against her, she did the worst thing imaginable and only added to her own pool of resnetments. Now trapped in a difficult situation, unwilling to get out, she latches on to worlds outside of her own. So painfully unaware that the respective partners are the ones keeping her unstable existence afloat. Financially and morally.

She always really liked me. Gravitating herself to whatever situation I was in. Shooting glances toward me at shows and shifting her head away when we would make eye contact. Climbing the invisible social ladder all the while leaving a trail of broken harts behind her. She was always like a virus that would work through a close group of friends, poisoning the parties then latching onto something else... Making sure to have an escape plan. I personally never understood her reasoning, but I know it was very well calculated.

We use to live in a small desert town that was so close-knit and relied heavily on a strong music community and mutual respect. Operating as one big group with motivation I'm sure I'll never see again. She kenw she had contributed to the unrest, but I doubt she knew really how much she poisoned our collective pool.

I am nothing but a strong individual who is more than capable of seeing total shit when it's lying in front of me. GET A FUCKING LIFE MAN. STOP TRYING TO INTERVIENE WITH SHIT THAT DOESN'T AND NEVER HAS CONCERNED YOU. WHEN YOU WRITE SHIT LIKE THAT ON THE INTERNET IN COMPLETE PUBLIC VIEW, YOU'RE HURTING PEOPLE'S FEELINGS AND MAKING YOURSELF LOOK LIKE A SELF RIGHTEOUS ASSHOLE.

Quit acting like the scene police and the only one seeing things, "for what they are." Just go away, dude. I didn't think it was possible for you to STILL give me a stomach ache here in San Diego.

2011-07-02T12:18:00.001-07:00

The worst idea of the night was going to that house in North Indio.

2011-06-25T20:19:00.001-07:00

Talking with you at work it finally dawned on me. I've devoted all of my energy to creating an emotional barrier and now I've done it. Standing behind the counter, the rift could have spanned continents. I felt like I was shouting nonsense at you from across a river. I know I'm speaking, but on the other side it's warped and inaudible.

2011-06-24T23:50:00.000-07:00

Drinking beers in the parking lot behind the dumpster over the rusty fence next to the Mexican food restaurant. Music faintly playing in the background and it's one of those summers where all you can smell is blooming flowers and the sand beneath your feet. There's this sense of community. We're all family and it's bound to be this way for life. At least, that's certainly how it seems.

Cleaning out the apartment finding remnants of the past. Talking with the cats trying to explain what's truly happening. Looking around trying to figure out what lead up to this particular situation and how I could have averted it. Swimming in the warm pool listening to the stressed screams of the coyotes surrounding me. They found a kill.

Various versions of myself. I wish my life weren't cut in such segments. It never seems to blend.

So I guess this is one of those cut and dry transitional phases. Where it ceases to blend and it just gets more and more abrupt. It's probably been like this for a while.

2011-06-17T16:32:00.000-07:00

Thus begins a new chapter in what I used to think was a tragic existence. It's interesting how in the matter of a thirty second phone call, reality flips: The magnetic poles shift and our planets do a complete reversal of their position next to the sun. Like Pluto, I'm floating on a cold rock in the nether-sphere.

I thought that this moment would be exhilarating. Once again I'm free of the shackles of the long term. But, instead, just like anything else monumental, I'm fucking lost. And freaked the fuck out. "Where do I go?" "What do I do?"

But, the reality and magnitude of what's transpired truly hasn't set in. There's this little cancerous lump in my stomach and before I know it it's going to explode. Little ticking time bomb that's going to detonate when I least expect it. That's the scary part. Seems like a dream now, but I know there's a nightmare waiting around the corner.

So, now, what do I do? I guess I wait. Try to figure out my next plan of action. That's the one great thing I learned from my father. The Carter genetic.

Check out. Close your mind. When you come to it'll all be better.

I sure fucking hope so.

2011-02-19T01:30:00.000-08:00

Taken from Wikipedia:

On 8 April 1991, Mayhem vocalist Per Yngve "Pelle" Ohlin (aka 'Dead') committed suicide in a house shared by the band. While fellow musicians often described Ohlin as a strange and introverted person off-stage, for his on-stage performances he would make himself look like a corpse and cut his arms while singing.

(Edit: What a WEIRDO!)

If I ever had a Black Metal suicide, I'd go out like a cat sneezing and a serious booger launching out.

IE:

Lovin' my life. Lovin' Chlo. Every day I wake up with my boogery cat snuggling me and my lovely lady giving me kisses before work. Seriously, best. life. ever.

2011-02-03T20:50:00.000-08:00

Whatever it is, just spit it out.

Mother, fuckers.

People keep letting me down.

2010-11-03T10:27:00.001-07:00

Whoa! Where did that last post come from? Must've been a grouchy day. Prop 19 didn't pass and I'm sure all the dealers and cartels are stoked. Let's keep this shit illegal. 'Cause there's money to be made! The last time I gave a shit about a California Proposition, voters said, "Fuck fags." Err, wait, let me rephrase. Last time I gave a shit, I got fucked.

2010-08-16T14:45:00.001-07:00

Ben called me last night asking if Spectacular Attack! wanted to play the Courtesy Knave reunion. It's also his baby's first birthday. From what he told me it's going to be a rented out space with only the closest friends from back when we were all young and the valley was still interesting. I don't know what to make of this.

2010-07-29T08:43:00.000-07:00

Our flier for the second got featured in the Desert Valley Star. I called them asking for just a little text blurb in their nightlife section, but they went pretty far beyond that and gave us an entire quarter page. I was pretty astonished. After seeing it, I called the publisher up and his response was, "No problem, man! It's nice to see the actual local bands doing something as opposed to the Casino, Bar Stuff!" Way rad. Their horoscope section is my favorite.

Here's the issue (Page 15)

On a different note, I can't wait to get paid to buy my tickets for Awesomefest in San Diego. Where the fuck was this when I was out there? Oh, also, I'm only going for RVIVR, but, whatever... other music is cool too, I guess.

Awesomefest 4

2010-07-24T11:19:00.000-07:00

We played the Deli last night for a bunch of friends. Mid set we took a break to figure out what we were doing after the show. Needless to say it was laid back. Got us free sandwhiches as compensation for playing. I'm so tired right now. I've probably consumned triple my weight in beer this weekend. I'm really mad at myself.

Another Day in the Shit Hole, Nasa Cat, Riverside, Song (?)

2010-07-22T12:21:00.000-07:00

I'm really into this one. I didn't even realize we had played this song. I guess I was a little out of it that night. Sober as can be, but the nervousness always makes me feel fucked up. I've got to get over that.

I sent and email to RVIVR's label expressing how I truly felt about this band. To say the least, I've been listening to them for days straight and really, really feelin' it.

"You ever love a band's music so much that it makes you angry? Like, "I can not believe this shit sounds so fucking good. What the fuck!?" That's how I feel about RVIVR. Just a good fuckin' band. I can imagine if I would've caught them live while they were here in Southern California, I would've lost my shit and just danced like an asshole for an hour. Tell this band to never stop going. Also, if they need someone to hide in the back of their van and blow them kisses while they're travelling from destination to destination, I'll be there. Just say the word.

P.S.
It wont be worth their time at all, but please stop in Palm Springs. My house is always available to stay at and if the venue doesn't give you gas money, my friends and I will.

P.S.S.
Money's in the mail, homie.
xx
oo
xx
Eli "

That fuckin' Black Eyed Peas song just got stuck in my head.
"I gotta feelin' that Mozeltov."

2010-07-19T20:22:00.000-07:00

I have this last two day stretch until a nice three day vacation from everything. Tired of the nomadic lifestyle. Either the road, or a cozy den... Not sure which one's going to get here sooner. Glad to have certain people back and in my life.

2010-07-11T15:02:00.001-07:00

Some Craigslist postings:

http://palmsprings.craigslist.org/ele/1837610839.html

http://palmsprings.craigslist.org/msg/1837615266.html

2010-07-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

Drive into Coachella looking for the house we're supposed to be playing at. I'm under the impression that this is a rager-house party, so I'm expecting no less.

Pulling into the neighborhood I'm immediately lost. This is just a giant collection of circles and wavy turns. I see a group of kids in their drive way, so I pull over asking for some help.

"Hey! Kids! Where's Chiapas Dr.?"
Kids : "Hey! Who is this guy!"
(About thirteen or fourteen kids rush the car.)
"Where's Chiapas Dr.?"
Fat Kid : "What? Where's Child Moslester?"
"Ugh! No! CHI-A-PAS! I'm looking for a house show."
Fat Kid : "Ooh! It's that way!"

Thanks. Bye little kids. I pull away trying not to run their feet over.

Finally make it to the show and my expectations are fulfilled. This shit is over the top. Inside there's kids wall to wall. Up the stairs. In the garage. This shit is insane. I see a mom trying to keep things clean to no avail. What parents let this shit happen in their homes? Whatever, let's do this.

One notable performance was the shirtless guy playing Euro Trash synth rock and roll. Sounded like Rammstein. The guy had the biggest smile on his face. I couldn't help but get my fanciest Du Hast dancing to this shit. His enthusiasm for the keys was too much to handle. I loved it.

I set my drums down in the garage and I'm overwhelmed with pot smell. I look around and it's a bunch of twelve year old kids stoned out of their mind setting up for a rousing game of beer pong. Where the fuck are your parents, kids?! I over hear one little stony baloney say, "Dude have you heard of this 'Big Lizard' band?"

"Yeah dude!" I say, "They fuckin' rule!"
"Siiiicccckkk .... ZZZZ"

So we wait to play. And wait some more. And some more. OK, cool, it's time for us to set up. I throw on some pre-show Millionaires to get the crowd stoked. Err ... Or to get just Ian and I stoked. James made the best band banner I've ever seen in the desert. Gave me such encouragement! If your band doesn't have a banner with various anti-religious icons on it, I recommend you do so. Something about Satan that really get the juices, err, blood pumping.

During our set I look out and see everyone just gettin' down. The front row is dancin' their hearts out. Specifically Carlos, who had some serious moves that night. Also a thin moustache, teal tank-top combo that just wouldn't quit. I look to my left and the stair case is feelin' it too! Now this is a party! After our first song, high fives are distributed and confidence is at an all time high. I got these songs, mane!

So blah, blah, blah good set. Lots of fun. Best friends showin' love. All in all it was a great night.

Afterward I get to Chloe's parents house after the longest drive. Proceed to eat Fajitas and drink lots of water. Pass out.

Division Nine, Riverside

2010-06-10T19:18:00.000-07:00

About time.

2010-03-22T11:46:00.001-07:00

Lookin' up!

2010-03-17T15:56:00.001-07:00

I've been replacing my food with cigarettes a lot lately. There's a dull hum in the air signaling that something bad is coming. Finding a lot of liberation in my bicycle. It's become an extension of myself. Negative thinking creeps in and I just naturally speed up, pushing through the insanity.

2010-03-02T10:43:00.001-08:00

Just rode up to the La Quinta Library with a back pack full of overdue books. That in conjunction with the late winter wind hitting me in the eyes it was a rough ride, but to my surprise David Byrne's Bicycle Diaries was here waiting for me. It's a sign! I also closed my bank account the other day purely from a, "fuck banks," standpoint. It was more liberating that I had expected.

It's been a rough month.

2010-02-26T12:43:00.000-08:00

Continuing on with the animosity because it's been so long now it seems like the norm. Shutting my cell phone off permanently. It's doing me no good. Quite possibly the best back pedaler on planet earth. I just rode my bike over here to the Library. Everything is blossoming in the valley and as beautiful as it is, I'm oozing out of every orifice in my face. It's pretty gross. Especially when I have to clear it out onto the bike lane.

Next time I'll try, for the first time in my life.
It won't pass me by.
Procrastinate it can wait, I put it off.
Let's start today.

2010-02-09T15:17:00.001-08:00

I just woke up one day and noticed the chaos all around me. So many bridges burnt.

What the fuck?

2010-01-20T12:31:00.001-08:00

Is anyone asking?